Lazy Saturnday

Previous page (T11). This is page T116 of the Choose Your Own Damn Blog Post Adventure Story Thing, if you’re confused start at the first page of the Troll story.

Time still seems to be moving slowly, which means that even though you have only a few steps before you run out of roof, making the decision about what to do almost seems leisurely. There are pipes leading to the roof that you could probably leap up and grab, assuming you didn’t lose your grip. Wall sliding crosses your mind but it only takes a second to realize that this is real life, not a video game, and you’re pretty sure you can’t triangle jump either. This leaves a large window as your best route. As your momentum carries you inexorably closer to the edge you recall the opening scene of The Matrix where Trinity dives through the window. You’re wearing a bulky parka, not shiny skin tight leather, but you do have one advantage, namely the hood of the jacket will likely protect your head from the glass.

As you launch yourself you give yourself a little twist, so that you’ll go through the window backwards and hopefully get cut less by the glass. Time slows even further and as you spin the light of the rising sun takes on an almost magical quality, golden streamers silhouetting the the Eiffel tower to the west. As you pull your arm up to shield your face, you realize you’ve made a mistake: by going through the window this way you’re going to land on your back, crushing your laptop and emergency supplies. You pull your legs up and try to twist faster, but your course was basically committed when your feet left the ledge of the other building.

A second later glass is shattering around you, and have landed heavily on your side. You open your eyes and take a second to catch your breath, congratulating yourself on the final twist; you don’t think much if anything in your backpack actually broke. You sit up gingerly, mindful of the broken glass that isn’t actually there. You are sitting on a fancy carpet, in a style you’re not familiar with, which is bunched up comically behind you where you slid after your fall. The window you came through is closed and undamaged, and you can see a bright afternoon sky, maybe you hit your head and blacked out?

You hear a deep and resonant voice from downstairs, “Dija ‘ear summit?” so you probably didn’t pass out, however if you’re discovered they’ll probably call the police

What do you do?

CHOICE (T116)7 This place looks pretty big, I’ll find somewhere to hide, and then sneak out.

CHOICE (T116)8 I’ve been told I’ve got a silver tongue. I’ll talk my way out and get out of here before the police show up.

CHOICE (T116)9 Why stop running now? Who ever they are they surely won’t expect someone to go dashing by.

Previous Page (T1). This is page T11 of the Choose Your Own Damn Blog Post Adventure Story Thing, if you’re confused start at the first page of the Troll story.

You back up and as you prepare to make the possibly suicidal jump across the alley you glance back and spot an arm and part of a leg emerging from your dormer window. This steels your resolve; as you build up speed time seems to slow down. You can hear the leaves and trash on the roof crunching under your feet. The edge of the building bobs with your movement, and in your heightened state of awareness you realize you could get a bit more height if you traversed the ancient AC unit to your right. A small course correction, and a flawless leap and you’re four feet higher. The footing here is more treacherous, but  the Monsters and Adrenaline coursing through your veins have combined and it feels like you have all the time in the world to carefully place each foot on the rusty metal.

It isn’t until you run out of roof that you start to have doubts, but at this point it’s far to late. You push off, the metal of the box bending under your final jump as you launch yourself over the gap. In rapid succession you recall the motto for that other energy drink, and wish you did in fact have wings; then you see the approaching wall of the building next door and wonder if it’s true about your life flashing before your eyes right before you die. You don’t find out though, as you lift your legs and barely clear the lip of the roof. You tuck and roll and actually manage to come up running. Now you kind of wish someone WAS filming this, because that was possibly the most awesome thing you’ve ever done in the real world. You’re three quarters of the way across the roof before you realize you’re still running flat out. This poses a bit of a quandary, as you doubt you’ll be able to stop before the edge. There’s definitely a gap, but the next building is a story higher than this one.

What do you do?

CHOICE (T11)4 The gap doesn’t look too bad, and there are some pipes going up the building right there. I leap across, and use my momentum to go up the pipes and to the roof.

CHOICE (T11)5 I’m only one story up, I’ll slow down a bit, jump and slide down the far building. I wall slide all the time in video games.

CHOICE (T11)6 I’ve watched some parkour, but I’m no Jackie Chan. That window seems like a much safer bet.

This is page T1 of the Choose Your Own Damn Blog Post Adventure Story Thing, if you’re confused start at the first page of the Troll story.

You shove your emergency purse into the backpack after the laptop and slip your arms through the straps. You here a pounding on the front door and “Open up, we’ve got a warrant” from the front porch as you put your jacket on over your backpack. It’s uncomfortable but less chance of getting caught on something. A blast of could air pours over you as you climb out the window, and onto the sloping shingles of the roof. Fortunately it hasn’t rained in a few days, or you’d probably have gone right over the edge. As it is you momentarily lose your footing due to the steep incline, but grab the windowsill and steady yourself. You pull the window closed behind you.

You see movement in the back yard, and revise your plan, a few precarious steps to the right and you reach the building next door. It’s easy enough to climb to the peak of your roof once you get around the dormer. From there the laundromat’s flat roof is easily reached, with little more then a bumped shin as you climb over. You’re thankful no one is filming this, because you certainly don’t feel as graceful as all those people do on youtube. Of course they’ve probably practiced and scouted out their routes tons in advance, whereas you’ve never actually been up here before.

It only takes a minute to get to the far end of the roof when you see a major problem with your plan… the next building over is much farther  separated than you’d remembered. Even though it’s only one story, and relatively flat, you’ll definitely need a running jump to get across and maybe not even then. You need to decide quick, you can hear the cops at your window… unfortunately you weren’t able to latch it from the outside, and they’ll probably be out on the roof in moments.

What do you do?

CHOICE (T1)1 I can totally make it. Get a good running start and leap to the next building.

CHOICE (T1)2 The door down to the laundromat  probably isn’t locked, and even if it is, it’ll be a cinch to pick.

CHOICE (T1)3 There’s got to be another way, I’ll look around quickly for an alternative route of escape.

Earlier you made a choice. Did you choose right? Well, it’s not to late to change your mind. Look well, at your possible pasts, and now, choose for real!

 Barbarian

Did you pick Barbarian? Then you are Greg the Barbarian. Really though your story started earlier!

Three Hours ago!

Earlier at your performance review, when you were Greg the Accountant, the boss complimented your tie, but you suspect he was being sarcastic. And while you told him that you love your job, and it’s a joy to work here, the truth is the outdated spreadsheet software makes your skin crawl every time you have to use it. After the meeting (which is to say just a few moments ago) you were taking a little break and surfing the internet. You accidentally clicked on one of those ads that claimed you were the millionth visitor and had won.

A pop-up came up, asking what your true wish was. You tried to close the pop up but it wouldn’t go away. Finally in frustration you muttered “I wish I could just smash this. I wish I could smash everything!” Everything goes black and then there is a flash.

And now we’re back to the present.

The case of your computer sparks, and smoke rises around the head of your axe where it is buried inside it. Around you the rest of the cube-farmers look on in shock. You catch a glimpse of yourself in the now black screen of your monitor. Your shirt is ripped by muscles you didn’t have two seconds ago. Your tie is choking you, so you tear it off and wrap it around your head to keep the water that is now pouring from the roof out of your eyes. There is an annoying and repetitive screeching sound, and the peasants around you are milling about in panic, but mostly fleeing from your awesome might.

The Boss comes out of his office and looks around in confusion.

CHOICE B1) The Boss is a worthy foe! Charge The Boss and enter into mortal combat!

CHOICE B2) The Boss is not a worthy foe! Brush past him and search his lair for loot!

Troll

But, wait, what if you had made a different choice? Maybe you picked Troll! Then you are 23PenguinsRool23. At least you were while you were trolling random blogs on Tumblr.  We’re not going to do the time travel thing, as it’s become tedious already. Earlier this morning (really it was last night, since you haven’t been to sleep yet) you were RickRollsCrits and what you were doing was decidedly less legal then making fun of teenagers’ dumb posts.

You doubt that the sirens are really for you. Let’s be fair here, you’re really good at hacking, and you covered your tracks really well. Hell, it’ll be two or three days yet before your cut clears the off-shore accounts and gets somewhere that you can use it.

Still, it pays to be paranoid. You check that your “work” laptop is encrypted, and then hibernate it and slide it into the hiding space in the floor. It’s a good thing too, because the cops have definitely stopped close by, which a quick check of your security cameras confirms. Someone must have ratted you out, you know you didn’t make any mistakes!

You slam your “play” laptop closed and slide it into your backpack; it’ll have to do. You grab your emergency purse and a jacket. You can hear a pounding on the front door, if you don’t get out now, there’s no chance you’ll escape.

CHOICE T1) You’re on the second floor, but you’ve watched a lot of Parkour videos on youtube. Defenestration is the answer!

CHOICE T2) The cops will surely find the “work” laptop, you can practically hear the fan yourself through the floorboards. Grab it and then make a dash for it.

CHOICE T3) Down the stairs and out the back door before your dumb-ass boyfriend lets the cops in.

Wizard

Yet, you may well ask, why be satisfied with the choices given, maybe you want to make your own choices. Fine. You are after all the great wizard, Wathemet. However, that does mean we will have to go back in time.

One Hour Ago

I never said far back in time. And to be honest, maybe Great is a bit of a stretch, you are only a Level five wizard, though that is pretty great. You’ve nearly finished scribing your essay on the Use of Alchemical Fire in Subterranean Expanses Under Duress. Satisfied with your work, you cast a Spellcheck spell, to check the spelling and grammar, flip your hour glass and decide to relax a bit by reading some inferior essays by other wizards in Scryer Weekly. You settle back in your comfiest chair with your crystal ball and a fine glass of wine and begin reading.

One Hour Later. Which is right now. That is to say, we’re back at the time where we started. Oh forget it, time travel is complicated okay, and maybe not the best narrative device. I guess I was right to skip it the second time. I’ll just take my own advice next time. ANYWAY, onwards:

It is fortuitous that you finished the bottle off some minutes ago, for you have stumbled upon a most disturbing article from an upstart young rival wizard, and you’re so angry you drop your wineglass onto the floor to grip your crystal ball with both hands and stare deeply at the offending missive. It is entitled Stress Related Injuries due to Misapplication of Alchemical Fire in a Dungeon Environment. And it is an almost word for word copy of what you have written, except that (and a quick glance confirms) the  Spellcheck Spell hasn’t even finished. Yet everything is there, even your observations of a hapless halfing’s hilarious attempt to ‘fight fire with fire’ as he put it, but chucking a vial of the stuff at a Flame Bat. Oh, this is infuriating. And unjust! You can not let this stand, but how could it have happened?

CHOICE W1) How he did it matters not, Loxius Ignotus must pay, and soon! You grab your hat and staff and storm out the door.

CHOICE W2) If you can find out how Loxius Ignotus did it, your can return the favor, and discredit him in the eyes of your peers.

Choose once, choose well!

So there you have it, all three stories that could have been chosen. However the story will only continue on a single thread, so ONLY the most voted for choice will continue (at least until we die or live happily ever after). To vote just comment below (the first time you comment it’ll be moderated, but after that it should show up instantly). Bonus points for justifying why your choice is the best possible choice in all possible universes, and anyone who chooses otherwise is silly.

Votes must be submitted before noon on Monday so that I have time to write up the next chapter!

Welcome to the new site of my blog. I’ve imported almost everything from my old Tumblr blog. I’m going to try and stick to a schedule, and post different things each day of the week. For the moment I’ve got 5 categories, so I’ll only be posting 5 days a week. Hopefully however this will allow me to build up a little bit of a buffer, so missing a day won’t be so bad. If you have suggestions for what to do on the other two days (or think one of the existing categories is ass) let me know in the comments. For now the categories/days are:

• Monday: Let’s Play writeups
• Tuesday: Tabletop gaming discussion (Board, Card and RPGs)
• Wednesday: Review time (Movies, books or whatevs)
• Thursday: Rant day
• Friday: Choose Your Own Adventurous Post

Since I haven’t gone to sleep yet, it is technically still Friday as far as I am concerned, so I think it’s time to start the story!

Choose Your Own Damn Post

Your day started like normal, and everything was going great. You did that one thing that you were good at a bunch, and it was really fulfilling. That person you admired complimented you on your attire. Your day was almost over, and you were reading this unimaginably boring blog post when you decided to stop because:

1) As a Barbarian you don’t actually know how to use the internet.

You smash the computer with your ax and try to find your way out of the cube-farm maze. What do they even grow here?

2) As a Troll you could certainly write a much more entertaining and grammatical correct post.

 You begin to write a comment to that effect but only get as far as “You suck because…” before you hear sirens outside.

3) You are neither of these things.

You write your true identity in the comments, and what the first “choice” is.

Once I have enough votes to be decisive, or someone posts something spectacular for option 3, I’ll write the first chapter. This does mean we’ll probably skip the first Friday to give me a bit more time to get the story that YOU want written.

EDIT: If you think someone else’s “Option 3” is the best, vote for that. I’m just going to go by democratic method, and whatever choice gets the most votes!