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Monthly Archives: December 2017

Not Safe For Work Christmas Special. If plastic naughty bits offend, stop reading now! Read More »

Meet The Cultist is a weekly feature focusing on some of the least regarded members of a Warhammer 40k Chaos Army, the cultists. In the game they are cannon fodder or a distraction at best, yet I find examining the sonder of their lives interesting. While chronology isn’t particularly important, you can start at the beginning if you care about reading them in order.

Kaduk likes obscure and foreign music. If he can’t understand the words he isn’t bothered at all. Because of the fractured nature of the galaxy Kaduk has ended up collecting media players in addition to any tapes, disk, crystals, ‘cubes or even more obscure recording media. All his time spent repairing the devices so he can listen to his weird ass music has taught him a thing or to about electronics and he’s often brought broken archeotech by the rest of the cult to repair.

His other obsession is birds, or really, any flighted beast. His current gag is due to a recent incident where the morning after a particularly brutal revelry, while most everyone was nursing a hangover of one sort or another, Kudak spotted a rare owl-like creature, and began hooting up a storm trying to entice it close enough to capture.

Dael’s Adventure Part 14

Start from the beginning

Here is a map of the Ziggurat as a visual aid. Every other round the water raised 5 feet, slowly flooding the area. The party started in the large blue squares, Doldrums in the center black square, and the Hexer, Protector, Shadowcaster and Reaper in the other four black squares.

Map of the Ziggurat

Ziggurat of Doldrums

Did I mention that the Ziggurat had 4 spires, one at each corner, and on these spires four minions. Solei and I were a bit separated from the rest of the party. We started in the NW, while everyone else was to the south. I spotted a hexer and rushed towards her, knowing full well the havoc casters can cause, however I was unable to reach her before she could cast a spell at me.  I’ve seen this one before, and steeled myself for an uncontrollable laughing fit, but the joke she chose to empower the spell with was one I’d heard before, so I was able to “kill” it by explaining how the original Elven version was better. It was about a thief who fell from the 4th story stairway, and the guards mentioned that it was his last theft, however in Elven ‘flight’ (as in flight of stairs) and theft sound nearly identical so it was a funny because of word play. However by this time I’d closed and she decided that gravity was safer than me and did her best impression of the thief, stepping off the side of platform. I swiftly slid down after and gave her a few thumps with my staff.

Meanwhile Solei climbed towards the other baddie on the nearby spire and Vyrez and company faced off against a Reaper and Shadowcaster. I did my best to climb up to the next level to the south, but I’m fairly certain everyone was to busy to see my first attempt fail disastrously. On my second try rather then going for climbing, I jumped off the back wall and then up. Did I mention that the water was steadily rising? By this point the lowest level of the ziggurat was completely flooded. Climbing the tower was tiring work, but I did make my way up to were Doldrums had been directing the battle. She was a worthy opponent, and was able to deflect many of my blows that would otherwise have connected. Solei was doing well against the protector until Doldrums called on the water to push her away. Vyrez, Hubert and Mortia were having some difficulty with the other two. Vyrez managed to get up a level but the other two were stuck treading water.

The Protector was trying to protect Doldrums, but he should have tried to protect himself. A few blows to unprotected pressure points left him paralyzed on the ground and I was able to get in send a dozen blows reigns upon Doldrums, a few of which even connected. Solei meanwhile had Misty Stepped back, though she overstepped a little and ended up in the water. Mortia who had been enwrapped by watery tentacles managed to break free. Doldrums shadow jaunted away from me again, forcing me to leap back and forth around the ziggurat in a most unbecoming manner (jumping has never been my strong suite).

Hubert was surrounded but cast some sort of protective magic making it difficult for the Reaper and Shadowcrafter to even attempt to attack him. I found out at this point that there were elemental sharks in the water, I managed to dodge and grab onto one, though once it realized it was pulling me where I wanted to go it dispersed. However it was enough that I could make it up the Northwest spire again and close with Doldrums, again landing fewer blows than I should. Now Vyrez was entangled by the water tentacles, and threatened by the Reaper, so when yet again Doldrums Shadow Jaunted away from me, I made the much shorter trip back and finished off the Reaper. During all of this Solei had achieved the central summit and began flinging magical bolts at Doldrums, finally finishing her off.

The water and ziggurat receded, and in it’s wake the entire Red Light district was revealed to be gone. Worse, the rest of the city was on fire. The smell was disturbingly delicious. As we made our way towards the clock tower Hubert discovered the Manticore, which apparently got wounded sometime in the interim since we last saw it. He was able to heal it some and gain it’s trust, though it’s wings will probably take some serious magic to be fully healed. Once we got closer to the clock tower, we tried to disguise ourselves as “on fire” people… and while I knew the plan wouldn’t work, I didn’t want to say it was because I had doubts about most of their acting ability. It turns out my hunch was born out, as only Solei and myself went unnoticed, and the others where ushered inside by the guards.  Solei and I then decided to try and sneak in, there were a couple of the exploding ninjas and Solei tried to convince them that we should be on the other side of the door, while behind their backs I picked the lock and strolled inside.  The two guards “escorted” us inside … though really they were just following us. It was at this point that the four Diviners we’d defeated appeared, though something wasn’t quite right. When their mouths opened their heads split open, and fire began spewing forth it was obvious. In seconds as we sought cover, the rest of their bodies melted, leaving only a flying flaming skulls (well 4 of them!)

January ’55

A new trip, a new island. Surely this time I’ll create the perfect utopia. I think I’ll start with a little bit of tourism to get things going, and then we can really start to make some money!

July ’55

The tourist dock, and our first hotel are finished. Let’s hope we can attract some wealthy tourists, as the treasury is already practically empty.

September ’55

Our decision to pursue tourism has apparently angered the communists. I suppose things are going to get interesting.

May ’56

Our first batch of tourists have arrived. Only tourists would go to the effort of going to a foreign island only to spend time at the local pool. Hopefully Penultimo can convince the Communists that the tourism thing is all a front of some kind.

Meet The Cultist is a weekly feature focusing on some of the least regarded members of a Warhammer 40k Chaos Army, the cultists. In the game they are cannon fodder or a distraction at best, yet I find examining the sonder of their lives interesting. While chronology isn’t particularly important, you can start at the beginning if you care about reading them in order.

Lugax’s passion is being not just average, but super average. If you pick any one thing someone else in the cult will be better at it then him. However if you pick any skill, any obsession, even with his average abilities across the board he’s probably better than a randomly picked other cultist. He can sing, but isn’t fantastic at it. He’s a pretty good shot with a pistol or rifle, and is handy with his mace. In post raid debauchery he’s never the first (or last) to pass out. He has the faintest psychic ability, but can’t do anything spectacular with it. He takes Seanan’s silver regimen, dies his hair, but not his beard. Plays CrimeHive with Zygor though he’s not very good.

His one “claim to fame” would be that he is one of the most agile cultists in zero gravity, however fortunately for his desire of mediocrity the cult is so rarely called upon to perform in low/no gravity that his skills in that regard remain unknown.

February ’73

With the hiring of our Third General we’ve achieved another meaningless milestone, and the UN has begrudgingly awarded us an award.

May ’73

With all of our well earned revenue we’ve constructed several more apartment blocks throughout downtown. Many people are still choosing to live in Shantys and Shacks just because they are free. I’ve ordered them all demolished. Once people have no choice but to live in a nice apartment with air conditioning I”m sure they’ll be much happier. They just don’t know it yet.

June ’74

With all of the ugly Shacks torn down, nearly a dozen houses have had their foundations laid, and soon the area around my palace will be so much more posh. Additionally we’ve finally settled on the spot for my Mausoleum, just behind the Zoo and Schools. It will make it easier for the schools to have field trips to the future (far future) resting place of their dear leader.

December ’74

The upscaled housing for downtown is finished, and the area looks so much nicer. The area has come quite a long way since I first moved in and took over running this beautiful island.

January ’76

We’ve reached market saturation as far as media outlets go! Time to finish off all these awards and get the record for most records! Well, let’s get that Mausoleum finished first, just in case.

May ’76

A Petite Rebellion. We were able to easily put down the rebellion and assure my victory. This island shall stand as a testament to my skill, courage and leadership. Now, into my time machine for the next challenge!


Meet The Cultist is a weekly feature focusing on some of the least regarded members of a Warhammer 40k Chaos Army, the cultists. In the game they are cannon fodder or a distraction at best, yet I find examining the sonder of their lives interesting. While chronology isn’t particularly important, you can start at the beginning if you care about reading them in order.

Rhygore was long considered a little weird by the other cultists, which is saying a lot. His fascination with silence, and lack of sensation caused his faith in Slaanesh and the tenets of the cult to be called into question. Unable to satisfactorily explain how complete silence was as much an extreme pleasure as cacophonous noise they ultimate test of faith was administered, his left arm was sawed off, and a new bionic implant was affixed by Taloneus and blessed by Mobeius. Rhygore’s devotion was apparently true for not only did the metallic tentacle take, it was covered with beautiful flexible flesh, even gaining a rasp on the end that secreted a toxin not unlike that which coats the tongues of Seekers.

In controlled quantities the toxin has a similar effect to the Soporific musk the Seekers emit as well as some pleasant hallucinogenic properties. Rhygore demands a fairly high price from his fellow cultists in exchange for allowing his tentacle to be “milked” … though he does hold a bit of a grudge and the surviving cultists who were most directly responsible for putting him under Taloneus’s ministration are absolutely forbidden from partaking in the resulting decoction. Whilst Taloneus did administer the replacement arm, he was not one of those who called his devotion into question and so is not beholden by the ban.